


For The Win

by heyitsdia0



Category: Good Omens, Jeopardy! (US TV)
Genre: Complete, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyones a Gay Disaster, Fluff, Gen, God Ships It, Ineffable Idiots, M/M, POV Outsider, there was no beta reader sorry for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:06:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21692734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyitsdia0/pseuds/heyitsdia0
Summary: A Jeopardy! AU in which a poor human is sucked into playing a game of Gods ineffable devising.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley, Gabriel/Beelzebub
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. What It Feels Like To Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul the human is ripped from his home.

Paul was an average guy, let’s be clear. He was busy playing Mario Kart on his phone, sprawled out on his couch after a night of drinking. His head not only hurt from the insufferable hangover he was suffering from, but a migraine from staring at the screen.

  
“Shit.” He’d hit a Goomba. Now he was scrambling to catch up when an ad started playing, mid game no less.

  
“Damnit, not again!” He groaned, and tossed his phone to the side, giving up for the seventh time that afternoon.

  
He rolled off the couch, stumbled to his feet, running his fingers through his hair. He felt disgusting. That could be because he hadn’t showered in a while.

  
And then he felt it.

  
A twisting feeling in his stomach unlike any he’d felt before - _Is this what menstrual cramps feel like?_ \- and then he suddenly noticed the hands, tons of them, pulling him through the floor downwards.

  
Soon, he was practically swimming in something scorching and acidic and _damn_ , did it burn!

  
Paul could feel the earth shake as he was thrown farther downward, until he could feel something cold and damp. It was a nice cool-down from the hot sulphuric substance he was dripping in, but it didn’t last long.

  
“Get up,” A voice hissed.

  
“Huh?” Paul didn’t even want to know who he was talking to. He had no clue what was going on, other than he had just been ripped from his living room and was now lying on the ground.

  
_But where?_

  
He lifted his head to see and was immediately grabbed by a massive hand. We’re talking Andre The Giant massive.

  
He didn’t have the energy to rub his eyes. There was a man - or something, Paul wasn’t really sure - holding him by his hair, snarling and foaming at the mouth.

  
Paul gulped, staring at the being wide eyed. It had on dark eye makeup, slick jet black hair, and tons of leather on, and it did not look happy.

  
“Lowly human, I have come to bring you to your destruction.” They cupped Paul’s chin, angling him towards themselves.

  
“Lowly...human?” (It was a weird way of phrasing things, but at this rate Paul was just about as stunned as you are when you realize people actually ship Gabriel and Aziraphale like they totally belong together. I know, horrifying, right?)

  
“Yes. You’re here to play a little game.”  
Another man shaped being appeared, and in the dim light Paul was sure he could see a frog...or a toad? on their head.

  
“Don’t kill him, Osmadiel. We’ve got a different game set up for him.” There was an emphasis on the last him that made Paul uneasy.

  
Before he knew it, he felt a _whack!_ to the head and was down on the ground in an instant.

Paul woke up to bright shining lights.  
He wondered if this was Heaven. He guessed not, when he saw the second man-shaped being from earlier.

  
A rope was ripped off his mouth, and he noticed that he was free. When he tried to run away, though, he couldn’t. It was as if his legs just wouldn’t allow it. Like he wasn’t able to.

  
“Don’t even think of running away,” He hissed, and grabbed his arm.

  
Paul adjusted for the lighting and looked around.

  
Wait a second.

  
This was the _Jeopardy!_ Studio.

  
But Alex Trebek was nowhere to be seen, and the audience was literally divided. Literally. It was the strangest setup he’d ever been in. Was his friend Lorelei behind this? Or Dave? What the hell was going on?

  
He noticed some shuffling from the back, and saw two other people approaching him.

  
“Wait a second…” He muttered, trying to figure this mess out.

  
The man-shaped being slapped Pauls back, almost pressing him into the other two (supposed) men before him.

  
“I’m sorry, I just-” Paul had already begun to apologize when the man on the left interrupted him. The man on the right shot him a sympathetic look.

  
“Hastur! You’ve gotten another player! Good on you.” The man turned to him. “So. What’ll it be?”

  
“Huh?” Paul was still so, so lost.

  
The man turned to Hastur, giving him a sidelong glance.

  
“Hastur, have you by any chance kidnapped a human and brought him onto the set?”

  
“I..well…” Hastur stopped short, and huffed.

“You two...idiots don’t understand how hard we have it downstairs. Lots of humans carrying signs and all that and we’ve to muck it up. Not enough violence, if you ask me.”

  
Crowley groaned. “We’re playing against humans, Hastur. Don’t you see how pointless that is? We’ll beat him either way. What’s the fun in it?”

  
He received a glare from Hastur, when his friend sighed.

  
“Oh, I do hope poor Anathema can get her T.V fixed so she can watch. I’ve tried to miracle it, but it just won’t do.”

  
The man to the left rolled his eyes. “Angel, don't worry. It’ll be fixed.”

  
The other man - Angel? ( _Must be a serious relationship_ ) - brightened immediately.  
“I’m sorry, but why am I here again? What’s going on?” Paul asked tiredly, finally finding the strength to rub his eyes.

  
Angel jumped at the opportunity to fill him in, talking excitedly. “Well, you see my dear boy, Oh, what’s your name?”

  
“Paul.”

  
“Right, jolly, yes, Paul. Well, you’ve been selected to participate in a game show, oh, what’s it called again, Crowley?” He turned to Crowley for an answer.

  
Crowley sighed. “Jeopardy! Angel. We’ve been over this.”

  
Paul mused how you could forget the name of the game show you’re appearing on, but he didn’t ask. He didn’t want to know.

  
Angel smiled, patted his partner's arm, and continued. “Anyways, you’ll be competing for...something and that’s about it.”  
Paul let out a small breath. That barely answered one of his questions, but he was too tired to care.

  
 _Things like this happen every day, right?_  
Hastur, Angel, and Crowley explained the logistics of the game show while Paul kept sneaking glances at their clothes.  
Hastur, the man who wanted to have him killed (or something) had blonde hair, a frog on his head, and messy, dirty, rotting clothing. How the clothing was rotting was beyond Paul, so he didn’t question it. His voice was gravelly deep, and his eyes were painfully black.

  
The next man - Crowley - was laid back. And good looking. Something Paul immediately noticed was that he had very Bowie cheekbones, flame red hair, and a long, lanky body. His clothing style wasn’t more eccentric than it was modern. He had a t-shirt with Queen plastered on it, and skinny jeans, and leather, and God, are those snakeskin shoes?  
More or less, Paul thought Crowley looked akin to a singer in a Swedish punk rock cover band from the seventies.

  
Angel had bright white curls, a beige waistcoat, and dress pants, and boy was he fidgety. He kept moving the ring on his pinky around, looking out into the crowd and then behind them. He looked like a nervous professor.

  
Paul noticed the way Angel was looking at Crowley. (It’s a weird match, but hey, Paul could only hope to have that kind of love in his life. Sad, but true.)

  
His head was spinning.

  
He was on the Jeopardy! set.

  
This was it.

  
He still had questions.

  
They probably wouldn’t be asked or answered by Alex Trebek, so he kept them to himself.

* * *

The audience had suddenly appeared.

  
There was no phrase better than that.

They literally appeared in front of him, and immediately Paul could see that the crowd hated each other.

  
Paul took a deep breath, and repeated to himself the only thing he could to stay sane.

_This is not the weirdest thing to happen all day._   
_This is not the weirdest thing to happen all day._   
_They are not going to kill me, this is all a dream._

Paul pinched his arm.

  
“Fuck,” He muttered, growling at the pain. It was not a dream. He was stuck here. Lovely.  
Suddenly, there was some shuffling, from behind him. When he turned around, he jumped. For what felt like the umpteeth time, someone else had just magically appeared.  
It was a man, Paul was sure of it. The only thing odd about him were his eyes, which were just way too violet.

  
“Hello,” He said, and Paul got a better look at his shirt.

  
No way.

  
It read ‘Director’ in big flashy letters.

  
No way.

  
“Are you...the director?”

  
The man flashed him an award winning assoholic smile. “Yes! And you must be our newest contestant!”

  
Paul looked down sheepishly. “Yep. Sure am. That’s me.”

  
The man patted him on the shoulder. “That’s great! I’m so glad you could make it.”

  
The left of the crowd began mocking him. Most of them were dressed similarly to Angel, wearing white and tan, sitting stock straight, and yet, they didn’t seem to have the nice qualities Angel did.

  
“Hey, Gabe, is that your newest plaything?”

  
“Be careful, your boy toy may not wanna come out yet!”

  
Gabe turned a deep red, and mumbled something to Paul, when a hand clasped his. It definitely wasn’t Paul’s, and when he realized another person had appeared out of LITERALLY NOWHERE, he sighed.

  
A (woman? man? It was confusing for poor Paul. You gotta admit, it had been a pretty long afternoon for him.) smiled toothily, and extended their free hand for Paul to shake.  
He accepted it, giving their a weak smile.  
  
“Hello,” They said, cocking a brow.

  
Their hair was an inky color and shaggy; Their clothes were a bit steampunk, which Paul thought they could wear rather well. Overall, not as disgusting as Hastur. His attention was really drawn to what was flying around their head.

  
Flies.

  
Lots of them.

  
“Hey, Beelz. What’s up?” Gabe turned to kiss their forehead, to which the crowd both sighed in disgust and contempt.

  
“Not much. Juzzt trying to meet our newest contestant. Thatzz all.” They snapped, getting out of Gabes arms. Somehow, though, Paul just knew that they liked it. He could see it in their eyes.

  
Gabe wrapped an arm around their waist, grinning like a kid in a candy shop.

  
“I’m sorry, but Beelz here is just a little pissy right now. She’s always annoyed with everyone for some reason.”

  
_Ah. That answers that, then._

  
Beelz shrugged away from his grasp yet again, snarling at him. “I’ll zzee to it that you don’t get dezzzert after dinner tonight,” She hissed, and stalked off.

  
The crowd gasped in unison. It was like a soap opera. Paul was enjoying it as well, but he also felt a little hesitant, because he still didn’t really know what was going on, other than it was probably not-a-dream and probably otherworldly.

  
“So, you’re just gonna get on the end there, and you’ll be up against Crowley and Aziraphale.”  
“Azira-Who?” Paul squeaked.

  
“You know, Aziraphale, Principality, Guarded the gate at Eden?”

  
Paul gave him a blank look.

  
“Ah, I see,” Gabe said mischievously.

“Aziraphale is just Crowleys Angel, that’s all.” He said the last sentence loudly enough for the audience to hear. It was met with more annoyed voices from the crowd.

  
Paul approached the podiums nervously.

  
Aziraphale and Crowley were, too, and he could see the audience quieting down for a moment. Well, one side was deadly silent, the other completely rowdy, throwing popcorn at the director's seat and handing out snarky comments to anyone who so much as blinked in their direction.


	2. The Real Alex Trebek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes. This is short.  
> Very short.  
> Paul the human meets the cast and crew of Jeopardy! as he tries to figure out where the hell he is and whats to come during the competition.

Before the cameras began rolling, the host had come out to greet everyone.

  
It was a woman, not too old, maybe around Aziraphale or Crowley's age.

  
Something told Paul he probably shouldn’t question it.

  
The woman clasped his hand - She was practically glowing.

  
She introduced herself only as “The Almighty.”  
Paul blinked. “Wait. The Almighty...isn’t that a term for God or something?”

  
The woman playfully swatted his arm. “You bet - I’m the one and only.” She grinned, that same happy glow radiating from her.

  
“Wait. What?”

  
The woman narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean, what? I’m The Almighty!”

  
Crowley sauntered over, Aziraphale at his side.  
“He didn’t mean it, really.”

  
The woman gave him a sad look. “Crowley, how nice to see you again.”

  
Crowley gritted his teeth. “Yeah, really nice seeing you. Lovely. _Joyous_ experience.”

  
Aziraphale waved his hands nervously. “Well, let’s get on with the programming, then. Game show and all that. He didn’t mean it, my lord.”

  
The woman - ( _God_?!) - smiled warmly at the couple. And Paul. Paul knew this wasn’t a dream, and though he wasn’t particularly religious, he could feel that her smile was directed at him, too.

  
“Let me get this straight,” Paul said, and pointed to the woman. “You’re God, right?”

  
She nodded. “That’s right, yes.”

  
Paul, though still stunned, turned to Aziraphale and Crowley. “And...Aziraphale, you’re an..”

  
“Angel,” He offered.

  
“Uhm..okay. I thought that was just a pet name. Never mind.” Aziraphale smiled, and watched as Paul skittishly turned to Crowley.

  
“And you, you’re an angel too, right?”

  
“No, I’m a _demon_. Do I look like an angel?” He sneered, and pushed up his glasses. Paul wasn’t so sure he wanted to see what was behind them now.

  
“Not really. Though I’ve never met one before.”

  
Aziraphale smiled. “You have now!”

  
Paul grinned. “Yeah, guess I have.”

  
He noticed God was listening intently and turned to her.

  
“So, do you guys...angels and demons...do they..?” He trailed off, unsure of what he should ask first.

  
“Fuck?” Crowley asked, throwing his head back laughing. God pursed her lips, but Paul could see the amusement in her all-knowing eyes. Aziraphale just stood a little straighter, edging closer to Crowley.

  
“No, actually - I was going to ask if you guys do this often. Bring people down from Earth to..wherever this is.”

  
“Limbo.” God said plainly.

  
“Limbo?”

  
“We’re in neither Heaven nor Hell. You’re sort of right - We do this often. It eases the..tension between everyone since the..” She twisted her face, searching for the right words.

  
“Oh, what were we calling it again, dearest?” Azriaphale was asking Crowley, but he was looking at God. (As if she had the answer. It was a bag habit Aziraphale had tried to break - Always looking to God for his answers - but Crowley knew he meant well.)

  
Crowley perked up. “Apocanot. Apocowasn’t. I don’t remember. One of those,” He said, and weaved his fingers through Aziraphales. “I’m not good with words like you are, angel.”  
Paul would have rolled his eyes, yet it was so goddamn fluffy and sweet he couldn’t look away.

  
Wait a minute.

  
“What do you mean, Apocanot?”

  
God shifted, slightly on edge. “The apocalypse. End of the world.” She paused, and then elaborated. “You know, The Great Plan.” She winked and gave him a nudge. “Don’t want to give too much away. Anything could be in the competition questions.”

  
“The world... _what_?! The world couldn’t have ended. I don’t understand,” He groaned, and rubbed his temples.

  
Crowley gestured toward Paul, who looked incredibly stunned and shocked and horrified all at the same time.

  
“I told you, that’s what you get for bringing a human here. Too much to understand. And it won’t be any fun, playing against someone who knows nothing about biblical history. Just you wait and see.”

  
God patted Crowley's arm, who swiftly wriggled away from her touch. “It ensures no miracles will be used. I can’t lock up your powers, after all - and I know how much these little get-togethers mean to everyone.”

  
Crowley snorted very audibly at that, but upon noticing the look he was receiving from his partner he managed a quick ‘Sorry’ before shutting up.

  
Paul wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take.

  
“When are we going to start, again?”

  
God clasped her hands. “We’ve been chatting away long enough. We’ll meet everyone, go over procedure, then we can finally begin.”  
She walked them over to their podiums, and called over one of the cameramen, who introduced themselves as Uriel.

  
“I’m sorry, what was that? Urinal?” Paul held up a hand to his ear embarrassed.

  
Uriel rolled her eyes. “Uriel. You’ll get it eventually, I’ll see to it. Anyways, Gabriel asked me to let you know that Aziraphale has to stay focused. Whenever the camera pans over to you, look straight at it. Okay?”

  
Azirpahale blinked rapidly. “What else have I been looking at?”

  
Uriel smirked. “Look to your right.”

  
Aziraphale did, and was met with Crowley's proud smile.

  
Aziraphale turned beet red. “I apologize. I will do better.”

  
God had been listening (When hadn’t she, though?) and clasped her hands together again. “Alright, thank you Uriel.”

  
God motioned for Paul to listen to her, as she described some of the staff members he may encounter.

  
Dagon, who fact checked (most) of the answers, was also behind the buzzers. There was an executive producer, whose name was Sandalphon; A whole cast and crew Paul never expected to be on...whatever-this-was edition of Jeopardy.

  
Maybe mythical?

  
No, Paul thought. If God is real, then I don’t think this could be mythical, because she’s standing in front of me.

  
God paused for a moment, mid sentence. She had just been discussing with him what to do if you had to use the bathroom while filming.

The answer had been to hold it.

  
“Ah,” She said, smiling. “It’s time.”

  
“Already?” Paul squeaked, slightly terrified.  
Crowley grasped Aziraphales’ hand. “Good luck, Angel.”

  
Aziraphale smiled sweetly. It was genuine, and it was adorable. “Of course, dearest. Break a leg, as they say.”

  
Crowley winced. “Isn’t that for actors?”

  
Aziraphale wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know.”

  
Paul asked himself what he was playing for. Money? Do angels and demons even use money? What would happen if he were to beat Crowley and Aziraphale?

  
Unfortunately, he never found the time to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for how short this is, but i dont know when i will update next. so. yeah. the actual game will be the next chapter and im assuming it won’t be the last, considering how much stalling i tend to do. also - i got the italics fo work! yay!!!  
> comments and kudos are appreciated! ❤️


	3. Playing The Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul finally plays Jeopardy! And witnesses more cute moments between our favorite couple. Sponsored by God, Overlord of Heaven and Lucifer, King Of Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added angels of my own creation into this story. I hope you enjoy!! I’ve actually put some research into bible history for this so watch out for that in the next chapter, and I feel like this is the most *complete* chapter I’ve written so far. Thank you for sticking with me. Haha. lol.

The lights turned on. 

The announcer, some being named ‘Metatron’ read out the words on the teleprompter:

“Hello everyone, and welcome to the fifth installment of _Celestial Jeopardy_! with your host, The Almighty Herself!” 

There were lots of cheers, yet they all seemed to be drowned out by the sound of booing. 

A groan could be heard from the Metatron, still standing over the mic. 

“Also sponsored by Lucifer Himself,” He said, and the booing turned into gleeful cries of ‘All Hail Satan’. The angels only sunk into their chairs. 

The Almighty popped out from behind a screen and waved a hand. 

“Hello, angels and demons, creatures of all ages! We have an amazing show for you tonight. For the _fifth_ year in a row, Aziraphale and Crowley have been consistently tied. Fortunately, we never have a shortage of humans!” 

More cheers could be heard from the crowd. Paul only stiffened. 

Aziraphale and Crowley each waved a hand to their fans. They actually looked _happy_ to be there. 

_Aren’t angels and demons supposed to be on opposite sides?_ Paul was sure he shouldn’t question that, either.

“Since the Apocanot, we have really made strides of acceptance for angel-demon relationships, and Lucifer and I have worked to bring everyone together again during this difficult times. I just want to tell all of you, even my former children, that I’m so happy you could make it tonight.”

While some tears may have been shed by a few former angels, a lowly demon just had to ruin the moment. 

“Well, _get on with it then_!” 

The Almighty only gave them a cold stare, and clasped her hands. 

“Right. Yes.” 

“Here are the categories, everyone.”

The screen displayed the usual six categories. 

They were as follows:

Our Accomplishments (Sponsored by The Almighty)

Yes, that happened 

Where You Can Put Your Sword

Wiles 

Those Darn Humans 

Naughty Angels (Sponsored By Lucifer, Overlord of Hell) 

“Crowley, we’ll start with you, since you are technically in the champions chair tonight.”

“Uh, yeah, hey guys. I’ll go with uh, Wiles for 200.”

The Almighty nodded.

“Good choice.” 

“ _This demon has been reported to have tempted an angel on 5,234 separate occasions._ ”

Crowley paused. 

“What is...me?” He winced, as if it wasn’t the right answer.

God perked up a bit. “Could you be more specific, please?”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “What would be the demon Crowley?”

God smiled. “That is correct!”

“That was in the last competition! That’s not fair!” An angel called out from the audience. 

God twisted her mouth a bit. “Hmm...Crowley, why don’t you pick the next category?”

Several groans could be heard from the angels. 

“Oh, uh, yeah, let’s go with Naughty Angels, for 500.” He winked at Aziraphale, who quickly turned red. 

God sighed, and receded into a corner. 

A well dressed man with horns walked out from behind the screen, waving a hand. 

“ **Hello, yes, it is I, King Of Hell, Lucifer.** ”

He grabbed one of the cards from God, and read it aloud. 

“ ** _This angel was the first to depict God as an evil deity in their first work, Not My Lord_.”**

Aziraphale rang in first. “Ah, what is Gadiel? I knew them before their fall, you know, and-”

“ **SILENCE**!” Lucifer roared, and threw the cards aside. 

He straightened his corporation, dusting himself off. 

Aziraphale promptly shut his mouth. 

“ **Yes, that is correct**. **Aziraphale is in the lead with 500 points. Crowley is second with 200. Paul the human has zero.** ” 

Aziraphale smiled, and clapped his hands. “Oh, goody!” 

Paul sighed and rubbed his neck. 

God waved her hands. “Oh, look its time for a commercial break!”

Lucifer walked off the set to sit next to Beelzebub,whose job Paul didn’t actually know, and if he had been told, he didn’t remember. 

The lighting dimmed slightly, and then came on again. 

Paul tittered nervously. “So, we still have to keep playing?”

God nodded very seriously. “Yes. We will continue, possibly play a round of Daily Double then Final Jeopardy.”

Aziraphale and Crowley were whispering very excitedly, smiling and giggling. They looked like an average, every day couple. It was cute.

“Hey, why do they get to talk? Isn’t that against the rules?”

God shrugged. “I don’t make the rules for this thing. You’d have to take that up with someone else.”

Paul moaned. “I mean, I don’t really know what’s going on. Nobody’s answered my questions. I feel like I’m being forced into this and there’s no way out.”

God looked to Sandalphon, who was giving her a signal. 

“It’s time, everyone.”

They assumed their positions, Uriel giving them a countdown of five seconds. 

“And now, we’re back again with Celestial Jeopardy!” The Metatron announced. Lots of excited clapping resumed, with God making her way to the podiums.

Lucifer just watched. 

“Welcome back, everyone. We’re going to meet our contestants. Starting with you, Paul. What’s it like, being human?”

Paul gulped. 

“It’s okay, I guess. I’m not too excited about dying.”

Laughter erupted from the crowd. 

Even God laughed. 

“Of course, of course. What do you do, Paul? I’ve heard you like to spend your days playing Mario Kart and trying to forget your girlfriend, Chrissy, who walked out in you six months ago.”

Paul could feel his neck flush. 

It was God, so he really wasn’t surprised that she knew those personal details about him, so he decided to just play along. Wouldn’t hurt, right? 

“Ah..yeah, that’s about right, Lord.”

God smiled. “Okay, moving along now to The Angel Aziraphale.”

The said angel straightened his bow tie. “Yes, My Lord.”

“You’ve been playing Celestial Jeopardy! with your partner, Crowley, ever since the Apocanot 5 years ago.”

“That’s correct, I believe. Yes, that’s correct.”

God patted his shoulder, radiating that proud, mother like vibe _again_. 

“And what is it that you like to do for fun?”

Aziraphale grinned, and looked to Crowley. “Oh, all sorts of things. You know, read in my bookshop, or read in our cottage. I think everyone here knows that Crowley once-”

Crowley clamped a hand down on Aziraphale mouth. “I think that’s enough, Angel, don’t you?” 

Aziraphale nodded. Paul wondered if Aziraphale _liked_ that kind of treatment from Crowley, because he seemed to edge a little closer to him every time he had that tone. 

God only raised an eyebrow, and moved on to Crowley. 

“Demon Crowley. Formerly Crawly. You’ve also been playing Celestial Jeopardy! with Aziraphale for the last five years. What would you say means most to you about this competition?”

Crowley scratched his neck uncomfortably. “Ah, I dunno, really. I guess...meeting up with old friends? Seeing everyone not killing each other?”

God nodded, and looked to Lucifer. “That’s a very sweet sentiment, Crowley, if you don’t mind me saying.”

Crowley did seem to mind, grumbling something under his breath. Aziraphale brushed his hand gently, and Paul couldn’t help but feel tingly and happy when he saw moments like that. It was like a damn Hallmark movie, for God sakes. Absolutely adorable. 

God looked to the staff, who were all pointing to their wrists, as if to say, _Get on with it._

“Lovely to catch up with you all. Ready to begin?” 

She resumed her position by the screen. 

Yep. 

They were ready. 


	4. Going Solo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Paul is in the final throes of Jeopardy. Crowley and Aziraphale are so infatuated with each other they might not even be playing anymore, and Paul debates the possibilities of what may happen if he would win.

Aziraphale started the second round off. 

“Ah..so many choices. Now, I do not think playing ‘Where you can put your sword’ is a good choice on my behalf, considering that I did lose my swor-”

“ _Just pick one, you pansy_!” A ruthless demon called from the audience. Crowley, ready to smite anyone who disregarded his angel, stopped when he saw Aziraphales knowing glance. 

They weren’t worth it, and Crowley knew it. 

“I’ll go with ‘Yes, that happened’ then, for 400.” 

God nodded. “Alright.” She pulled out a card, and grinned. “This well-known prophet smote 42 children after they mocked his baldness.”

Paul opened his mouth. _He actually knew this one._ He rang in before either Aziraphale or Crowley could react. 

“Who is Elisha!” He said, and everyone leaned forward in their seats, _their_ mouths now open in shock. 

Even Aziraphale and Crowley stood dumbfounded more than anything. 

“Angel, you _knew_ Elisha, and yet a human beat you to it.” He said, and laughed wickedly. Aziraphale chuckled. He didn’t seem to mind, and before long the couple was sniggering like a couple of kids at the playground. 

“ **_SILENCE_ **,” Lucifer bellowed from his chair. The couple stopped, uncomfortable, and bowed their heads down. 

God smiled nervously, scratching at her starched collar. “Paul, how is it that you know that?”

Paul shrugged. “I was in PSR classes when I was a teenager. That story about Elisha has always been my favorite.”

God smiled warmly. The human Paul is in second place, with 400 points! He has broken the long standing tie between the demon Crowley, tempter of Eden, and the angel, Principally Aziraphale.”

The crowd, incredibly surprised, actually cheered for him now, and Paul felt so validated that he smiled and waved. 

“Paul, Would you please pick the next category?”

Paul, figuring he should stick to what he might know, picked the same category.

“‘Yes, that happened’ for 300, please.”

“This prominent figures paid 200 Philistine foreskins just to marry King Saul's daughter.” 

Crowley rang in this time, extremely confident. “Who is Michal?”

There was a very long silence.

Crowley had grown beet red. After a moment, he realized his fatal error. 

“It’s Da-Michal is the wife's name! That s’not what I meant, s’not it! Tell her angel, tell Dagon, anyone! I didn’t mean it! I know the right answer, please! I’m begging you!”

Crowley sunk into the podium, banging his head into the wood. He couldn’t even swear, because the show was still hosted by The Almighty and it just wouldn’t reflect well on Heaven. 

And yet, he was still expected to act demonic. It didn’t make any sense.

God gave him a weak smile. “I’m sorry, Crowley, but we’ll have to move on to someone with the answer.”

300 points were subtracted from his score. The pained look on his face grew. 

Yet, Aziraphale was already consoling Crowley for his slip up, running his hand through the now-long red locks. 

Paul, a bit nervous, buzzed in. 

“Who is David? From David and Goliath?”

“That’s correct!” God grinned happily. “Paul the human is now in the lead with 700 points!” 

The crowd didn’t boo him. He could see signs appearing with his name on them. 

Paul looked to Aziraphale and Crowley. They were both absorbed in each other, only looking in each other’s eyes. The game didn’t really seem to matter to them. Well, for Crowley it had, but now that he was in Aziraphales’ arms it seemed to have flown out the window. 

“Ah yeah, ‘course, I’d like to pick…’Those Darn Humans’ for 100?” 

God pulled out another card, but her eyes never left Paul. 

_Huh,_ He thought to himself. _Interesting._

“This common invention used for traveling was created in 1885 by Karl Benz.”

_Benz? Like the car?_

The crowd had grown silent. Paul was sure some of them were scratching their heads.

Paul buzzed in. Aziraphale and Crowley hadn’t even noticed. 

“What is...the car?”

God clapped her hands. “Right!”

Paul looked around the set, dumbfounded 

He had a few options. 

He could win this entire game if Crowley and Aziraphale were that enraptured with each other (Which, Paul was sure that they were) and walk out. 

But if he were to win, wouldn't that go against the rules? A human couldn’t actually win this kind of game, right?

_Right_? 

Another thought floated into his mind.

If he won, what would he even get? 

Paul rubbed his temples. This was seriously getting to him. Maybe Satan himself was tempting him. He was sitting only thirty feet away from him, after all. 

Paul didn’t want to push his luck. 

_May as well go all in._

“I’ll take ‘Our Accomplishments’ for 500.

God nodded, but laughed mischievously when the screen began flashing bright lights. 

“It’s a Daily Double Paul!”

Paul groaned. 

This really was pushing his luck. 

_Damn._

 _“_ Alright, are you ready, Paul?”

“Y-Yes. Yes, I am.”

“And what will you wager?”

“Everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yes.”

God opened up the card, and looked to the screen. “The prophet Ezekiel, from The Book Of Ezekiel, had how many visions?”

Paul didn’t know. 

_Shit shit shit shit_. 

“Four.”

God winced. “I’m sorry, Paul, but that’s incorrect. You are back in third place with zero.”

Paul bit his lower lip. 

God looked to Aziraphale and Crowley, who were entangled in an embrace. She tugged at her collar, and judging the situation, gave a small, nervous smile toward the camera. 

“I think it’s time for a commercial break. When we get back, we’ll finish up this episode of _Celestial Jeopardy!_ with _Final_ _Jeopardy!_ with the category _Seasons Greetings_.” 

The lights dimmed once more. 

Paul wasn’t ready, but he had to be. His life could literally be on the line, wherever that line was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy crap so many errors i apologize  
> love you guys 💫🛸


	5. A Gift From Above (Or Below)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not quite the ending of For The Win. But we’re getting there.

**The lights turned back on.**

Paul blinked, looked to the couple to the right of him, and then back to the camera. 

Gabe flashed him a smile and gave him a thumbs up. 

_ Oh god, Oh god, Oh… _

Paul shook his head. He would be fine.  _ Everything is fine. _

__ God clasped her hands. She seemed to like to do that, to show her authority, to show her mind was made up. Lucifer only  _ tsked _ and up in the booth up above the set, Uriel put up a hand. 

It was time again.

God addressed the camera now, trying to keep her eyes from straying away to look at her two favorite creations snogging.

“And now we’re...uhm, back with  _ Celestial Jeopardy!  _ We are now in the final throes as we watch Paul the human challenge long time winners Crowley, Serpent, Tempter of Eden, and Aziraphale, Guardian of Eden during  _ Final Jeopardy! _ ” 

Paul gulped.

_ Damndamndamndamndamn… _

__ “Alright, for Final Jeopardy. Hanukkah,” (Here God grimaced, apparently a little unnerved from the selection. Nobody knew it, not even God herself, but Beelzebub had slipped it in last minute. She liked to rile everyone up. Especially after the whole crucifiction thing.) “...Which was first celebrated after what group rededicated the temple in 164 b.c.e? You have sixty seconds on the clock. Good luck.”

Aziraphale and Crowley separated for a moment, looked around, and then at each other. They didn’t know how long they had been going at it, but at that point I’m sure they didn’t really care to actually answer the question.

The only thing that was on their mind was each other and what they could  _ do _ with each other once they got home. 

They could have just miracled themselves there, and left Paul to deal with himself and a room full of celestial (and infernal) beings. But they knew it would be more fun to take things slow. 

Paul stared at the card.

He didn’t know the answer. 

The crowd was waiting in earnest, waiting for his response. They seemed to have forgotten Aziraphale and Crowley altogether. 

“Alright, time's up.” The lights turned back on, and God made her way to the podium again.

“Crowley, let’s begin with you. You have -100 points, after that slight slip up earlier. I think you understand the rules by now...Moving on.” She flashed him a warm smile, and this time, he didn’t hiss. 

The demons did though. 

Lucifer only bared his teeth. Paul wondered if there was anything underhanded going on to keep this show on the air. Who would even watch it, if all the demons of Hell and all the angels of Heaven were in the audience? It didn’t make much sense. 

“Aziraphale. You have 500 points and are in the lead currently. You put down ‘Who are…” God trailed off as she stared at the blank screen. 

“Aziraphale, you didn’t answer the question.”

Azirpahale looked down at the screen in the podium, then fiddled with his tie nervously. 

“Ah, yes, my Lord.”

“Aziraphale, you do know that earns you an instant disqualification?”

Aziraphale nodded sheepishly. “Yes, my Lord.”

God only hummed in disapproval before approaching Paul. 

“Paul, the human. You have zero. I’d assume that puts you in the lead - Isn’t that correct, Dagon?” Up above in the booth, Dagon nodded. 

God flashed him her signature smile. Her teeth were impeccably straight. And white. Oh God, they were shining. Blindingly white. 

“Paul, unfortunately you have nothing. But what’s even more unfortunate is that Aziraphale has been disqualified and Crowley can’t even wager anything because he’s in the negative.”

She turned, and looked to the crowd. They waited in earnest as she clasped her hands once more, making a steeple with her fingers. 

Hastur waved his arm frantically. Sighing, God looked to Lucifer and motioned for him to come up to the front. 

He did so, straightening out his overcoat. Paul was sure he shot a glare at him. 

_ Jerk.  _

“I propose that Paul should give us a little speech as to why we should spare him. After all, he hasn’t won the game, nor has he lost it.”

God tittered nervously. Paul had never seen her on edge before. 

She waved at Uriel frantically. 

“Shut the cameras off,” she bellowed. Immediately, they seemed to be off, and angry murmurs could be heard from both sides of the crowd. 

Hurriedly, Sandalphon and Gabe rushed to God's side. Uriel looked around, and Paul could see her once confident demeanor diminished. 

Dagon had already left the booth, and Beelzebub was already making a hasty attempt at explaining something to Lucifer, who did not look happy. Hastur only rocked on his heels. 

**“This is just like the Apocalypse that wasn’t,”** He said angrily, and pointed to Crowley and Aziraphale.  **“This is their doing.”**

Crowley waved his arms defensively. “Oi, mate, We weren’t the ones to bring a human onto a game show with angels and demons. That one was on your lot,” and with that he pointed to Hastur. 

“You dirty traitor - you deserve to be burned in holy water!” Hastur cackled, and with that Aziraphales’ wings appeared. 

“Do not speak to my husband that way!” He clamored. 

Paul looked on in astonishment. Fingers went flying. A strand from God's perfect hairdo had gotten out of place. The audience had become restless. 

_ “Okay, everyone needs to shut the hell up for at least three minutes before I lose my shit!” _

The crowd that had formed stopped pointing fingers. The audience stopped growing restless, and turned their attention from the speaker. Crowley and Aziraphale stopped looking around nervously. 

A curly haired boy approached the set. Immediately, Lucifer glared at him, and muttered something to Beelzebub, who only glanced at the boy suspiciously. Gabriel only pursed his lips. 

“Now, I was sleeping in my room, and all of a sudden I get this feeling that something's not right. And y’know what I find when I come down here? It’s you lot!” 

God wrung her hands. “Now, Adam-” she began, her voice dry. “No need for you to come down to Limbo. You can just go back to bed.”

Adam shook his head. “No, you don’t get it - and I’m not a child anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with all of you, but I had a sense that there was a lot of resentment somewhere. And Limbo is pretty easy to get to, especially if you’re...y’know,” he said, gesturing to himself. “Me.” 

Aziraphale chuckled. “Well, my dear boy, it’s so very nice of you to come down and see to it that we’re all doing fine, but as you can see we’re getting along quite well-”

Adam interrupted again, this time a little angrier. “No, Aziraphale. You don’t. This isn’t about me, or sleep, or checking in on anyone. You guys are trying to forget what happened five years ago, but you haven’t sorted it out. Look, Crowley, I know you’re still angry about the fall. But it’s no reason for you to hold it against God herself.” 

Crowley mumbled something under his breath. “M’not angry.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Well, maybe you should talk about it.” He turned to the other demons in the audience. “I can feel it, you know. All of your resentment and fear and anger. It’s not just from tonight - I just couldn’t take it anymore. All of you need to get it out. It isn’t working.”

Some of the demons shifted uncomfortably. 

Adam turned Gabe now, a new iciness in his eyes. 

“Gabriel. You’re making Heaven too cold and sterile. It’s no wonder Aziraphale likes Crowley so much - he’s the exact opposite of what Heaven is.” He paused, and tilted his head.

“Is that what you want?”

Gabe looked off to the side and then to Beelzebub. 

“No. I guess not.”

Adam took a step back and examined his handy work, sort of like God when she first created the angels.

God looked to Adam warmly, a new spark in her eyes. “Adam, that was very….mature of you. Thank you for opening our eyes.”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Eh. It had to be done. I didn’t really do much, either. You guys still need to work your problems out.” The cheer in his voice soon left, replaced by a low, almost pitiful tone. “Besides, I’m not immortal. One day I won’t be here to sort things out for you guys, or open your eyes, or whatever.”

God looked down, slightly embarrassed. “I’m sorry about that, Adam. I can’t do much about that.”

“I know,” he said, a little softer now. He turned his attention toward Paul now, giving him a once over. 

“So. Who dragged this unlucky bastard down here?”

Hastur waved a hand. “That would have to be me.”

Adam narrowed his eyes. “And you thought it was a good idea?”

Hastur groaned. “I thought it would be interesting to have a human compete this year.”

Adam spun on his heel to face Paul. “I can’t get you home, I’m not an angel or a demon like Az or Crowley. But I can always make things a little easier.” 

Hastur looked down guilty. “I can take the spell off..you can leave if you want.” He said, voice hoarse. 

Paul looked at him in amazement.

“Really? Just like that, I mean?”

Hastur nodded, eyes still glued to the floor. 

Paul rubbed his chin wearily. “And how do you all propose I get home? Do I just...walk out the door? Like that?” He pointed to the  _ Exit _ sign, which was emboldened in red light. 

God nodded, but quickly waved her hands before he took off. “You’re going to be tired - it’s a side effect of the spell. One of us can assist you,” she said, and looked to Crowley and Aziraphale.

Crowley sighed. “Oh, alright, yes. Come along angel, and help the poor man.” 

“Right, yes, of course.” Aziraphale laid a warm hand on Paul’s shoulder. “Young man, do not be alarmed. You shall be home quite promptly, but it will take a moment, and then we’ll be off and you can forget this whole ordeal.”

Paul shook his head. “I don’t want to forget.”

God looked taken aback. Even Aziraphale looked bewildered. 

“My dear boy, why is that?”

Paul smiled. “I don’t think I would ever want to forget a day like today. As weird as it was, I think I learned something. I feel…” he paused, lowering his gaze. “I feel like I should get on with my life. This has sort of..I don’t know. Opened up my eyes?”

Adam grinned now, patting him on the back. “That’s it. Good on you, mate.”

Aziraphale nodded, and so did the rest of the group. 

God smoothed our her hair before taking Paul’s hands in hers. 

“I know you’re not much of a religious man, Paul. But I think it was a nice change for the rest of us that you came here, and..” God hesitated before continuing. “I want to thank you.”

Paul waved his hands. “Oh no, that won’t be necessary.”

Lucifer took a step forward now.  **“Then am I to gift this lowly human? What is it that you want, mortal?”**

Paul shook his head aggressively. “Oh, no, God no. I don’t need anything, guys. Really. I just want to get home.”

Aziraphale looked at Crowley. “I think that can be arranged, can’t it, dear?”

Crowley practically melted at the request. “Hey, I’m not stopping you angel.” 

Paul braced himself as Aziraphale and Crowley linked their hands together; he stood in the middle as the couple shut their eyes and said some ancient incantation.

The rest of the group waved goodbye, but Paul didn’t see as he was thrust into the air, millions of miles into what felt like nothingness. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not yet the ending of For The Win.  
> Épilogue coming next(?)  
> Honestly if anyone is reading this, thank you so very much. I had no idea where this way going so I’m sorry it’s such a bad read. This was my first story-story and when it turned into something with an actual, y’know...plot, I just rolled with it. Truthfully I think this could work without all the Jeopardy! related stuff, but it was so much fun to write I couldn’t pass it up. So. Thank you. I love you guys xx
> 
> P.S: I had no idea what to title this chapter. I apologize


	6. A Merry Little Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul the human is back home! Yaay!

“Paul?” 

“Hey, buddy, you need to get up.”

Paul blinked, but his cheek was stuck to tile. 

The tile in _his_ kitchen. 

He sat straight up, startled, and looked around. 

Two of his friends stood in front of him. 

“Lorelei? Dave? What are you guys doing here?”

“Hey, don’t forget about us, asshat.” 

Paul knew that voice. He rubbed his eyes and saw Chrissy and Mark standing in front of him, too. 

“What happened?” Paul asked, and got a better view of the cobwebs underneath the cabinets.

_I should dust in here more often._

“We think you passed out,” Mark offered. “There was a bump on your head, so you might have hit it going down.”

“How long was I out for?”

Lorelei bit her lip. “I don’t know, honestly. We got here, oh, I dunno, ten minutes ago? So you’ve been out that long, at least.”

Lorelei had been a med student before giving it up to pursue a career at the library. So much for healing people. 

“Well, do you have an idea?” Paul asked, his tone sterner now than it was before.

“Yeah, Lorrie. Any idea?” Dave said, mocking Paul’s tone.

Chrissy offered her ex a hand. “Come on. We need to get you up.” Paul accepted it, and once he was on his feet, he noticed a card on the kitchen island. 

He steadied himself, and picked it up. The words looked like hieroglyphics.

“Hey, can someone read this for me?” He said, rubbing his temples. “I don’t remember getting any mail this morning.”

Mark nodded, and took it, examining the inscription. 

“Well?” Dave asked. He was incredibly impatient, which was surprising, considering he was a florist. The joke in the group was that he yelled at plants because they took too long to bloom. 

Mark raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know what this means exactly.”

“Well, read it anyways, dipshit. We’re waiting.” Chrissy groaned, and gave the group a knowing look. 

“Uh, it says, ‘ _Sorry for taking up so much of your time. Of course, everyone - even Hastur - wanted to express our apologies. We ended up deciding on crepes. Please enjoy them with a nice cuppa. May we meet again on pleasant circumstances._ ’” Mark paused, and then read the name that had been signed underneath. “Signed... _‘A Friend_ ’...and that’s it.”

Paul took a heavy breath.

_That couldn’t have been real._

But it was. It had to have been. But he wouldn’t tell his friends that, not for anything in the world. It would have to stay a secret. Paul didn’t really mind, though. 

“Where do you think the crepes are?” Lorelei asked, a new spark in her eyes. 

“Where do you think they’d be?” Dave snorted, and walked over to the couch. 

Mark set down the card after giving it one last once-over. He turned to face Paul, whose mouth was open and eyes wide from shock. 

“Everything alright?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Paul snapped, and rubbed his forehead. 

Chrissy reached over to console him, but Paul only walked away. _No_ , He thought to himself angrily. _No. I’m not getting involved again._

Paul reached his bedroom and laid down on his bed. His friends would take a hint, and soon, he’d be alone again. What good were friends anyways? 

He’d met God, Satan, angels, demons, and some kid and realized that one way or another, he was going to end up in some shithole either way. From what the kid described, Heaven and Hell were both shit in their own ways.

Heaven was sterile. Cold. Lifeless. It wasn’t really run by God, but it wasn’t run by Gabriel, either. 

And Hell wasn't much better. In fact, it felt cold too. The only difference was that there was life down there, but it didn’t look too vibrant. 

Paul rolled over on his bed and stared at his nightstand. He noticed that the lampshade was covered in ducks. A comic book sat untouched underneath his unused alarm clock. (Why have one when you could just use your phone?) 

_That’s new,_ he thought, and tumbled out of bed. 

Paul began searching every room in the house. 

In the bathroom, there was a new sword ornament nailed to the wall.

In the guest bedroom, there were books - not just any books. There was the Bible, but there were also books about summoning demons. As he walked into the living room, he could see there were exercise DVDs on the coffee table. Paul hadn’t exercised since high school. Maybe even earlier than that. 

By the front door there was a painting of a frog and in the kitchen there was a box of fly tape. He found his friends staring at the frog painting, and then to him.

Mark spoke first. “Was that there this morning?”

Chrissy judged it, and shook her head. “That’s not Paul’s kind of artwork. He doesn’t even like art.”

Lorelei tugged at a blonde curl. “Well, it’s nice either way.” 

Dave motioned to it, a puzzled look on his face. “You like this kind of stuff now, then? 

Paul shrugged, then smiled.

“I guess I do.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy hell this was one heck of a weird, weird ride. This was NOT supposed to end like this. I don’t think this was even supposed to happen. But I’m kinda glad I wrote it. It was super fun. (Even though I was having meltdowns during finals week lol)  
> Anyways, I hope you liked this! Kudos and comments are appreciated.  
> P.S ~ Merry Christmas Eve!!! Love you guys!

**Author's Note:**

> this came to mind while i was taking a bath, so i wrote the idea down and guess what, i wrote this at 4 AM because i thought it was funny.  
> so i firstly want to apologize to Alex trebek because this is horrible.  
> secondly i want to take time to let you all know IT GETS FUNNIER. really. i mean it. the parody of the show actually starts in the second chapter, the first one is an introduction really. lol. thanks for reading this.  
> ive also never done anything like this. so. yeh. more chapters to come.  
> p.s- i really did just say ‘yeh’. sometimes im a bit kooky.


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